When you wake in the morning, the naughtinesses and evil passions with which you went to bed have been folded up small and placed at the bottom of your mind; and on the top, beautifully aired, are spread out your prettier thoughts, ready for you to put on.
That’s the way all Virgos really prefer to wake in the morning—greeting the virginal dawn’s promise of a day of peace, loveliness, and perfection. Too bad most of them don’t.
The majority of them climb grumpily out on the wrong side of the bed and slump into the kitchen, groping for their prune juice. (Nature’s remedies, you see, are always best for aiding regularity. There’s always the danger that laxatives might be habit forming, which could lead to a serious dependency.)
Unfortunately, the negative thoughts and nagging worries two Virgos carefully fold and place at the bottom of their minds with pure intent the night before, have a way of popping right back up to say Boo! to them next morning, getting tangled with their prettier, positive thoughts for each other … . . perhaps because they weren’t folded quite small enough, or perhaps because both Virgos are reluctant to close the drawer on trouble, preferring to leave it open just a crack, so they can peek in periodically and count the exact number of their current crop of problems. Virgos treat their problems like they treat their house plants—with constant, dutiful attention, never forgetting to water them, the latter with distilled H2O, the former with distilled tears. Naturally, given such tender, loving care, both will sprout quickly, grow profusely, and need frequent pruning.
Now, if the reader will forgive me, I’m going to interrupt this analysis with a prayer, after which we’ll return to the subject, and please believe that I’m sorry if this seems rude. My prayer is addressed to St. Anthony, since I’ve found him to be a patient and compassionate, as well as reliable, intermediary between the Almighty and my insignificant needs—those not quite important enough to require a personal appointment with our co-Creators, Who surely have enough problems on Their hands without being burdened with mine more often than necessary.
St. Anthony is a humble, nonjudgmental soul, comfortingly unconcerned with whether my religious beliefs are astrological, Catholic, Mormon, Baptist, Christian Science, Judaic, or Zen. Actually, the babbling tower of religious dogma is beneath the notice of all saints, despite the attempt of churches to claim them exclusively by right of various forms of canonization—which dubious honor not a single one of them ever solicited. But I am digressing, an easy habit to fall into when one is overanxious to analyze every teeny-tiny nuance of the most casual, innocent statement. The Virgo critique charisma is contagious.
Dear St. Anthony … … . You know how often over the years you’ve graciously interceded for me when my Aries carelessness caused me to lose valuable things—like money, poise, patience, and people I love. And each time you’ve come through for me, by pulling off a major or minor miracle, depending on the magnitude of my loss. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask for your help again. You see, I want this book to be widely read so people will understand more about how to love one another through astrology, both by recognizing their own failings and sympathizing with the different, but equally ingrained, bad habits of others—and it would be just awful if it were banned (if it was banned? No. If it were banned) by Virgos. That’s even worse than being banned in Boston, because Virgos make up more than one-twelfth of the entire reading public. (There are more Mutable Sun Signs born than others.) And that’s not all. You may not know this, but I strongly suspect the word is already out, over in Rome, that this is an astrology book, which automatically means all Catholics might have to confess and be forgiven for their sin, even if they only peek at a friend’s copy—despite the clear endorsement of astrology by their own Thomas Aquinas, who was canonized even, if you please! You can see what a disaster it would be if both the Catholics and Virgos should create a double-ban of the book. Not only that, it’s also likely to appear on the squeaky-clean Mormon No-No list of Naughty-Naughties, which would mean a triple-ban (counting the Catholics and the Virgins). So, do you suppose you could somehow protect this particular chapter of my book from any misspellings, inaccurate punctuation, imperfect grammar, or other Gross Goofs which might offend Virgos?
The thing is, Tony, that I have no idea what the printer’s Sun Sign will be. Of course, I could get lucky, and he’ll be a Virgo. But just imagine if he should be an Aries! Could you maybe nudge him a little when he’s setting the type if he seems to be about to miss a comma, or a period, or get the page numbers reversed, stuff like that? You just wouldn’t believe the stacks of mail I get from Virgos, criticizing a couple of author’s mistakes and printer’s typos in my first book, Sun Signs, and it’s given me a complex. So I respectfully beseech you to guide both me and the printer of unknown Sun Sign origin in making these pages absolutely flawless.
Anyway, I do appreciate your taking the trouble, and apologize for interrupting you, since I realize how busy you are. I’m sure that making miracles is even more time-consuming than praying for them. By the way, thank you for helping me find the billfold, St. Francis of Assisi medal, address book, new box of typewriter ribbons, sweater and Social Security card I lost last week. Say hello to Francesco for me, and please don’t bother God or Ms. God with this request. I’m sure you can handle it.?Amen.
To the Reader: Thank you for your kind patience. Now, we’ll get right along with the analysis of the VIRRGO-VERGO relationship. But first let me say to any Virgos reading this chapter—and to any Sun Sign people with the Moon or Ascendent in VIRAGO, that if my prayer is, perchance, not completely answered, one hundredd perccent, it could be some sort of subtle message from the Universe that Godd isn’t as interested in how we spell His name, as in the love and tolerance and forgiveness we show toward one another’s goofs and mistakes. You know wat I mean?
It’s a good and necessary thing for language to be spoken, written, and printed in its most correct form, whenever possible, to avoid misunderstandings in human communication, which is difficult enough at best. Nevertheless, the kindness to overlook the unintentional mistakes of others is also a good and necessary thing. It is, in fact, as St. Exupéry’s Little Prince would say, a matter of great consequence.
Two Virgos who are associated as friends, business associates, relatives, or lovers are often compelled to measure one another’s every emotion, action, and response—to spell out every opinion and reaction, using the unabridged dictionary of their own or society’s preconceived standards of perfection. And that’s a terrible waste of time, which could better be spent flying kites, making snowmen … installing waterless toilets to save our streams and rivers and oceans from final extinction and pollution … rescuing kitties and puppies and baby monkeys from Washington’s HEW-funded vivisectionists, who torture them so cruelly … running with the wind in your hair … wading in a rippling brook … or weaving dreams, which are the true realities. Someone needs to point out gently to Virgos (and a fair scattering of Librans too) that logic isn’t the god it appears to be, for logic implies a dangerous fallacy: the assumption that what never has been can therefore never be—and the converse assumption—that what has always been therefore must always be. The word therefore is the tool of logic that can put even the most alert player behind in a cosmic anagram game of enlightenment. Not always, but frequently, the word therefore is a warning signal to an open mind that someone is about to snap it shut, lock it, and throw away the key—of truth. Nothing in man’s and woman’s foggy comprehension of reality is more in error than such blanket assumptions of halfblind logic, born of the fallacies of preconditioned thinking. Such unquestioning acceptance makes us all vulnerable to the madmen whose goal it is to control the individual human mind (and eventually the masses) through various forms of drugs and hypnosis—and subliminal messages flashed on television, too swift for the human eye to see, but not too swift to seed into the subconscious.
Although the Virgo essence will help us all keep a watchful eye out for such dangers, this same Virgo virtue can be used via the negative side of its coin. Virgos undeniably possess excellent qualifications for both scientific and metaphysical research, but they’re sometimes inclined to trip and fall into the trap of the occasional misuse of the word therefore, thereby losing their chance to experience the soaring freedom of discovering their own awesome creative consciousness—the deeper Truth, unrelated to logic (in its present, misleading state of interpretation) that they can be, if they choose, co-creators with Good. (NOTE TO PRINTER: Actually, I meant that last word to be God, instead of Good, but please typeset it as it is, since the meaning is identical. Thank you kindly.) Sometimes, a mistake can be very helpful. If only Virgos realized that.
When two Virgos get together, they worry a lot. Yet, most of their worries are much ado about nothing. If they think about it, they’ll realize they spend too much precious time in nonproductive and counterproductive worrying. The alarm didn’t go off, causing one of them to be late for an appointment or (heaven forbid!) for work. Whose fault was the resulting inexcusable tardiness, and unforgivable lack of punctuality? It has to be someone’s fault, doesn’t it? No, it does not. It can just as easily be no one’s fault. An expensive china lamp gets broken, an important letter wasn’t mailed, a checking account is overdrawn, the car fender gets scraped, the front-door key is lost, the zinnias didn’t get potted—but one of the Virgos did!—the dentist’s bill wasn’t paid, the cat’s tail is caught in the garbage disposal, the philodendron is drooping—who forgot to water it? Who broke the lamp, lost the key, scrambled the bank book, totaled the car, burned the toast, and—oh, WHO CARES!? Virgo does, believe me.
Reluctant to blame the other one completely (at least inwardly), each Virgo often stands self-accused, self-subjected to a harsh verdict of: GUILTY AS CHARGED. Then comes the stiff, self-imposed sentence—emotional blockage, consisting of suppressed resentment, tense anxiety, plus the hair shirt of excessive atonement, and self-chastisement—with time off for good behavior, or rather, for perfect behavior in the future, which Virgos can’t seem to comprehend is humanly impossible at all times. To continue to strive for it is fine, but to consistently demand it from oneself and from others is futile … . . as well as emotionally exhausting and energy depleting.
The most difficult problem two Virgos face, always magnified in their 1-1 Sun Sign Pattern association, may be summed up in one word: elimination. Not only is this a scatological symptom, creating discomforts ranging from simple constipation to serious intestinal complaints, it can also manifest as the equally uncomfortable emotional blockage mentioned in the previous paragraph. The simple remedy in the latter instance is an honest realization of the need to eliminate—to purge the mind and heart of foolish feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and frustration over a temporary inability to change a situation which is less than perfectly desirable, as swiftly and methodically as impatient Mercury demands.
As with all 1-1 Sun Sign vibrational pairs, Virgo and Virgo have much in common—sometimes too much—but empathizing as they do with one another’s mutual viewpoints and hangups, there’s no reason why they can’t try to enjoy, rather than destroy, each other. It will help if their Moon Signs and/or Ascendents are compatible. It will also help if they both relax and take the disappointments of life’s little snarls and tangles more casually, with a grain of salt and a pinch of humor—not judging themselves or others so compulsively, leaving the more complex analyzing to precisely programmed robots and computers, which are not as susceptible to the tummy aches of tension.
Virgos might well profit from the example of the saints, since they have such a thing about perfection, and the saints, supposedly, have managed to come about as near to that ideal state as is humanly possible in a flesh body. I mean, like—nothing ever really rattles a saint.
I’m on very close terms with both St. Anthony and St. Francis of Assisi (especially Francesco), through whom I learned, firsthand, of the reaction of St. Christopher (by tradition the protector of travelers) when he first heard the news about the vatican (Printer: lowercase v, please) withdrawing his former canonization as a saint. Although his angelic demotion and dishonorable discharge considerably shook up millions of his loyal friends down here on Earth, creating lots of fussing and fretting, and heated religious controversy, Chris had a large chuckle over the entire affair. He wasn’t the least bit broken up over losing his formal saint status, for the simple reason that he never knew they’d made him one in the first place.
To him, it was all a tempest in a tea cup. He just goes right on about his business of miracles and unselfish service to others, with or without the vatican’s canonized stamp of approval. Tony and Francesco (of Assisi) tell me that Christopher’s sense of humor is still intact, that he’s as completely nonjudgmental as ever, totally unaware of his own humility, and not worried in the slightest about whether the first letter of his boss’s various pronouns should be a capital or a lowercase letter—as in thy will be done as opposed to Thy will be done.
I hereby move that all Virgins adopt St. Christopher as their official guru. Is there a Virgo out there who will second the motion? There is? God! Then the subject is closed. I mean—Good. Then the subject is closed. We can vote later.
Virgo Woman and Virgo Man Love Horoscope
Mr. Darling was frightfully proud of her, but he was very honourable, and he sat on the edge of Mrs. Darling’s bed, holding her hand and calculating expenses, while she looked at him imploringly.
No matter whether he’s calculating expenses, his income tax, or less prosaic, more exotic exactitudes, the point is that a Virgo man may, for extended periods, miss the message of those imploring looks from his feminine Virgo companion, who is gently reminding him of the true purpose of this man-woman experience they’ve both agreed to carefully analyze for its perfection-potential on the emotional level.
I once knew a Virgo astrologer who spent night after night with his Virgo girlfriend, wrinkling his brow over a midnight ephemeris, as he calculated the split fractions of the Moon’s movements, and consequent aspects to the planets overhead, at five and ten minute intervals. (This is a true story, neither an exaggeration nor a jest.) Infinitesimal planetary calculations of that sort really will give results of amazing accuracy, creating incredible precognitive abilities in any mathematically proficient and intuitively gifted, esoteric astrologer, but only a Virgo would want to spend a lifetime (or a love affair) proving it. All those logarithms—all that trigonometry! Who needs it? Good grief.
Anyway, he did manage to psyche her out with some pretty fantastic zodiac magic during such sessions. Like, on this particular summer night, in the course of just a few hours together, he mapped the precise moment the phone would ring and even that the caller would be her mother, announcing the news of her gallstone attack the previous week (which really blew the girl’s mind) … . correctly predicted the newsboy would be six minutes late with his delivery of the evening paper because he’d fallen off his bike near a corner where a night crew was fixing a broken water main in the street (third-house-Mars-Pluto-Scorpio stuff) … . prophesied his girl’s hiccough spell an instant before she first hiccoughed … . . and finally triumphantly topped himself and broke his own accuracy record by clocking (hours in advance) the time of the first thunderclap of the evening’s threatened summer storm—within a few seconds. To be exact, I believe it was within four and one half seconds of the first BOOM. At least, that’s the way I recall the statistics from the memory of his telling me about his perfect score (astrological score, I mean) when he and I were discussing it shortly after they broke up and she married a Leo, approximately a week or so later.
You see, he neglected to calculate the precise moment of the first lightning flash of anger from the up-to-that-evening patient girl beside him. Engrossed in his ephemeris, he failed to notice the summer storm gathering within the breast of his Virgo woman. The Virgo female, for all the rumors about her virginal airs, is possessed of perfectly human urges to touch and be touched, if only an Eskimo nose rub with the man she loves, especially when he’s too close for comfort. He was sitting on her bed that night (believe it or not, the only place from where he could keep an eye on the second hand on the electric clock on the wall) while she trembled inside with the need for true communion—or at least a more tangible expression of love than an intimate wink across the quilt.
Imploring a Virgo man with her always unusually beautiful, clear eyes is seldom a sufficiently lucid romantic Morse code signal, as any Virgin (technical or symbolic) will soon enough learn when she’s in love with a male born under her own Sun Sign. She should try something a little more aggressive, like tapping the message with her dainty fingers on his arm … . . dash-dot-dash-dash-dot … . . and gradually working up to little snowflake kisses on his cheek. Their natural and blissful union should then take place within a reasonable period, if the attraction is mutual, and it most likely is, or he wouldn’t be wasting his time with her at all, and risking the loss of his treasured loner existence. After all, not even a male Virgin can remain immune to love’s powerful chemistry forever. Sooner or later, he’ll surrender to passion, follow his heart, and allow his emotions to rule his tick-tock mind. Sooner or later, I said. Sooner than a discouraged, pessimistic Virgo woman might anticipate—but later than most other Sun Sign males. Everything is relative.
Naturally, the situation could always be reversed, and she’ll have her nose in an ephemeris, newspaper, book, or her knitting, ignoring his imploring glances. Then he should tap her arm gently, and so forth, adding any purely masculine aggressive ideas which might pop into his alert Virgo brain, which, on occasion, does agree grudgingly to cooperate with the Virgo heart in a mutual endeavor like love. Undeniably, he is bright. So is she. They’ll admire each other’s minds, never run out of verbal communication (unless one of them has an Earth element Ascendent or Moon Sign), and take turns polishing their love nest, counting Brillo pads, reading to each other, working crossword puzzles, playing anagrams—the possibilities are staggering and endless.
As for their sexual harmony (I thought we’d already covered that. No? Well, maybe not … .) it will gain depth, as is the case with every Sun Sign couple, if their Moon Signs and Ascendents are mutually compatible. But essentially, these two usually know exactly how to please one another, and unless he or she has a severe planetary affliction to Venus or Mars in the birth chart, they’ll never offend each other with vulgarity or obscenities. The typical Virgo shrinks from cheapening sex. Their intimacies will probably be tinged more with tenderness than with sensual eroticism or fierce passion. Yet, there’s always a lurking danger that those old Virgo taboos may materialize to plague them, bringing rigidity of viewpoint and frigidity of manner or approach, which can cause disagreement regarding details of their lovemaking. There could be complaints about their sexual union being either too brief, or too prolonged, from the initial embrace to final fulfillment. Someone should tell them that neither emotions nor passion can be stop-watched—or forced to fit into the exact dimensions of a measured schedule.
Virgos who ignore the twin urgings of impatience and cool, critical detachment, for so many centuries implanted in their natures by their foster ruler, Mercury, and allow themselves to focus instead on listening to their slower, wiser souls will be richly rewarded. They’ll gradually grow more aware that sex isn’t meant to be either analyzed or criticized between two people who love. It’s intended to be unashamedly given and received, joyfully and gratefully shared for the blessing it is—the most natural way for two searching souls to unite—and thus to deepen and renew their mutual dreams through becoming one flesh.
Astrology is an integral part of Nature, and Nature doesn’t like it when you fool around with the Virgo essence on the planet Earth. Virgo vibes are designed and intended to provide the necessary weight and measure to keep the sexual Scales of the following sign, Libra, properly balanced, lest the awesome energy of sex should get out of control and combine with other explosive energies which are already out of control on this waning, terminal, spinning ball we need a while longer for the survival of the human race in its present form. But the Universe is wise. Planetary influences are so justly designed and executed through karmic control patterns that sex creates its own torturous path to misery and hell for those who abuse it—just as surely as sex, when it’s exalted by love, becomes one of the swiftest of star-blazed trails toward Heaven. For the sexual blending into Oneness experienced by true lovers brings the first dawn in the light of comprehending the Oneness of all Universes, and ultimately—man and woman’s joyful birthright of reunion with their co-Creators.
Just look at all this sex talk in a double-Virgo chapter! You probably expected to find it in the double-Scorpio chapter. The study of astrology is full of surprises. It depends on what facet of sex you’re discussing. Its purity belongs to Virgo, its mystery to Scorpio, its romance to Leo, its sensuality to Taurus, its elusiveness to Gemini … and so on. No one Sun Sign owns sex. Any Libran could tell you that wouldn’t be fair.
The success of a relationship between a Virgo woman and a Virgo man depends largely on their ability to recognize their own flaws in the reflecting mirrors of one another, then correct them—and an equal ability to see their own virtues mirrored in each other’s appealing manners, then acknowledge them, frankly and proudly. For all Virgos do possess qualities which endear them to others, and should endear them to one another as well. Both these lovers are graced with a natural courtesy, intelligence, and twinkling humor. An indefinable gentleness and purity of spirit shines softly through those clear, steady, beautifully placid eyes. They’re both cheerfully willing to listen while the other one talks and to work while the other one plays, without resentment.
Virgo couples who love would greatly increase their chances of harmony, compatibility, mutual understanding, and tenderness by comprehending the typical Virgo trait of pointing out the glaring imperfections in whatever person or situation stirkes his or her critical fancy at the time. It’s important for two Virgos who love one another to recognize the Sun Sign adage that Virgos are compelled to criticize and analyze, then speak out. It’s also important to remember that they exercise this mental quirk without any real malicious intent. And that they possess the willingness to grant the same analytical and critical freedom to others. Fortunately, the Virgo talents of discrimination are so refined, Virgos also can see quickly any flaws in their original analysis they made themselves, and they’ll obligingly and courteously change it, to fit their new and more careful microscopic examination.
Since Virgos are forever searching for definitions, here’s a definition of love for them: Love is the visible proof of all men and women’s deep, overwhelming need for total acceptance by at least one other person besides their Makers—Who, by the way, channeled a wise message to Virgos (and all of us) through the gentle Galilean: Love one another, even as I have loved you.
That clearly means quirks, flaws, mistakes, goofs, errors, sins, eccentricities, and all. All right, Virgos, go ahead and criticize God and His mate, and see how far you get! Now do please hush up. Stop nit-picking and nagging each other and the rest of us too, won’t you?
Even if you don’t, we all still love you anyway.
Sometimes, Virgo criticism is both brave and necessary,
The Other Eleven Sun Sign Saints and Sinners
|Ruled by Mercury||Ruled by Venus|
|Symbol: The Virgin||Symbol: The Scales|
|Night Forces—Feminine||Day Forces—Masculine|